While I have many uperdates to post about, I just wanted to bring to mind something at this moment, at 3:35am.
I took a cab this morning (don’t ask.) and I had by far the most interesting cab driver ever, and I only shared a 9.78 peso cab fare/ride with him. His face is but a blur, his name I never caught, his voice is just another whisper of the past. But what caught my attention was his playing Christian folk music on his car stereo. In English. He said he used to be a piano player and really enjoys music, especially the folksy-sounding kind from the States. He learns English from listening to said songs. Steven Curtis Chapman’s “February 20th” was melodically played as he told me these few tidbits of his life. It was one of the nicest-sounding songs I’ve heard, and that’s saying a lot, because if it’s got a folksy rhythm, or has the word “Jesus”/”Savior”/”Holy”/”Rejoicing”/”Heaven” and such…I steer clear of it. But I tuned in. Also strange, since the titled date is two days after my birthday.Anyway, he reaches my destination, and as I pay him with a ten-bill peso, he looks at me, and asks sincerely, almost with a worrisome tone: “¿Tenés Jesús en tú corazón?” I answered with a flustered, somewhat-delayed “Yeah…si, por supuesto,” and rush out as he blesses my day with God’s love.
I get attacked by evangelists all the time. It’s like they have some sixth sense of who is a believer and who is a skeptical. I’m in-between, in case you haven’t noticed. I was baptized six years ago in a different circumstance than I feel I should’ve been in, but nevertheless, I accepted the religion and the Savior. And then….that was that. Literally. I hear my friends talk of religion like a dear beloved close to their hearts. I can’t think of it as any more than…well…I’m not even sure. So much I’d like to have a nearly impeccable confidence in a Higher Being, but who it is, and what He/She wants for my life and the world in which I live…I don’t know. I don’t know much at all, really. It’s a frightening thing. And the strangest thing of it all is that I almost feel I’ve lost a sense of trust when I accepted Christianity. Trust in the world, in people, in those who I say those three icky words to, in my future, in a form of deity, in myself. It’s the hardest thing now, to trust fully, but I’d never let that show. I put on a pretty good facade of believing in people, and you know what? I do indeed look for the best in others, giving them the benefit of the doubt, yadda yadda. But unquestioned faith in a person, much less a GOD…is that even possible? Am I even capable–or moreover, will I EVER be capable– of such a power?
I’ve been contemplating this more than I should, maybe. Tal vez it’s from watching so much theory-stuffed ‘Lost’ episodes (ON SEASON FIVE, BOO YAH I’M ALMOST THERE!!). Between Benjamin Linus, John Locke (my hero and the doppleganger of my father), and Jack Shepard…there’s so much to consider about life, in midst of their quotes and lines. Well, all this thinking and pondering is a little much at…3:52am. So off I go to dreamland (aka falling asleep whilst watching Lost, kekeke).
Chau, gomias.
